muSICKal

Probability(Love=1|n=24.75)=?

2011-10-16T10:07:00.001-07:00

Probability(Love=1|n=24.75)=?

Still, i feel the absence... every sad Bollywood song has its worst effects on me... and ghazals sound like, they were composed just for me...

“dil mera cheen kar, pehale dil meim raha....

phir kisi aur ko, usne apna kaha....

usko maloom hein, kitna tadpa hoon mein

usko maloom hein, meine kya kya saha.....

sharm aati nahi phir bhi usko zara....

isliye besharam behaya kehdiya....”

It was a bad time for the Love, the 75% of me, when I got admission for my PG...

I thought I would have so much fun and that I would forget all those bewafai ka kahani once I’m in... I’m trying to..

But the P(I enjoy | I’m doing my PG) was and is very small.. This very specific subject, which I thought never to get bothered about is just near my mouth,,, aargh.. I hate probability.. There were days when P(i bunked probability classes) was very high... But this subject has been bothering me, ever since I'm in for the course... I once had a laughing time with some of the profs at IITB when they asked me some probability.. I said, “sir please,... I hate probability!!!”. They were exclaimed... one asked, “You HATE probability??”, “Yes sir, I do...” they laughed, so did I ... but I was not selected!!!.. Cheats... Now I doubt their laughs...

Three subjects are based on this bad thing,,, one among them is OK, and I believe I can tame it soon.. cuz it's based on intuitive probability rather than absolute probability.. Now don't ask me what it is... if I start explaining, this blog won't suffice...;P

chumma...

Leave it... that's the new scenario...

Our question is P(Love=1|n=24.75)=?

What I meant is, I’m still missing this Love part.. I had this flash of what is called Love... just a flash... I was silently loud enough that the once believed yang of mine, just read it,, and that was the end for her... and I stopped this after 305 days exactly... 60 more days and i could celebrate, the one way break-up anniversary. But due to repeated advices and some discouragements I quit it.. I'm just a man, not divine... nor am I a toy.. I don't say, that was infatuation... that wasn't. I can now differentiate...

The other matter that matters to me a lot is that one of my batch mates at bachelors, got married recently.. I'm happy for him. Very happy.. Sad for me, who believes that finding one's love AND settling with it is the greatest tool for one's success in this world and the Hereafter. The other thing that matters more than that mattered a lot is the marriage of my junior friend during my bachelors.... lucky man....

There were things that mattered this way... two of my school friends father one child each... just a year older local friends of mine are all married except one and all of them have one or two children..... and this one, is not bothered about his just younger bro, who too wishes to marry soon....

The number 24.75 is my age.. And i feel it's high time that I at least got tied to someone... and this is my view alone, you may or may not have some other views,,,

I still blame it on capitalism and related wounds that has given parents of this era a notion that someone really need to bring money home in sacks to get married... i don't say that my parents are that way.. but they really think that i must bring home some money, so that i can marry... i was explaining the problem by exaggerating it... but there should be some solution to this... this social blind belief that marriage means just handing over someone's daughter to someone who has lots of money... yaar money comes and goes.. Why bother...????

THE MOTHER OF ALL FEELINGS

2011-06-02T08:37:00.000-07:00

And this time, I'm posting after a long time, I've found the real meaning of the two words that had been confusing me so so much... guess what? I'd been researchin!!!

I had learnt it from the best of the teachers... life... YoU were the reason... the reason which left a vacuum in my heart when YoU left.. The reason that always made a cause to all my doings.. The only reason that was above all my emotions... The reason, God showed me when I asked Him, of True Love, the mother of all feelings... The reason that told me to live for Love... The reason for everything I did after I found the reason.

Lemme tell you, Love is the mother of all feelings... better than explaining it here, check it out for yourself... You'll know it. I'll just give you an example...

Love denied is pain as a pleasure (proved!!), Love accepted is happiness (wishing this too be proved!!). The pain in the first case leads to anger of a kind (don't read it as enemity.. it's not... it's the anger a husband feels to his wife, the anger that a father feels to his son...)... And it ultimately leads to a kinda selfish destructive mentallity, which is exactly when the person has to be taken to Mental assylums, cuz, there he'll be able to meet sane people who understand Love and never get it.....

Wait, I dunno the happiness part!!!

Now lemme tell you how to differentiate between true Love and Infatuation (damned!!)

LOVE: You feel it even in her absence. It controlls everything in you.. I mean it.. every single thing you do will have its effect... even your sexual feelings (secret!!). The way you behave, the way you turn away from a group talking non-sense, the way you don't feel anything for an extremely sexy ad, the way you don't stare at girls inviting them, the way you talk to your relatives, the way you pray, the way you get closer to God, the way you find happiness by texting her, the way you start praying in the early mornings (Muslims), the way you discuss your religion with her, the happiness when she asks you to call her up in the morning for prayer, the happiness it gives when she gives you a call on a day of celebration (that's exactly when the celebration starts!!!), the sadness that comes to ur mind thinking that she will have to regret if she denied you, ETC.... (not the end of the list ;) ) are just some of the symptoms of Love. Actual Love is more than all these... It's something related to the soul and I dunno how to decode it.. Love is the real elixir.

INFATUATION: I call it damned, cuz, some people find it as an excuse to not falling in Love. They blame Love to be Infatuation... not their mistake too.. it's mine, I'd not published this post earlier:p. So this infatuation is just a rise in your heartbeats, IN HER PRESENCE. It can't change you... It can just give you some extra heartbeats and loss of some money.... Time erases it cent percent, but I just dunno if Love can be erased without any trace...

ഫുള്‍ വിറ്റ്: നീ ഒരു ബോണ്‍ പുതിയാപ്പിള ആണ്... എന്റെ ഒരു സുഹൃത്ത് ( അധ്യാപകനും കൂടിയാണദ്ധേഹം) എന്നെ കുറിച്ച് പ്രതികരിച്ചത്... താങ്ക് യൂ മാഷേ... സന്തോഷായി!!!

YoU

2010-08-13T21:31:00.000-07:00

You brought a smile on my face.
Your silence crawled down my throat,
Making every cells ache.
Always my wishes were that you be happy,
Wherever the wind of life has taken you.
Thoughts of yours, lighted
Even the darkest of the dungeons in me.
And then I celebrated everyday,
Every moment.
I found a new horizon to gaze at,
A new hope.
My dear, it were you.......

muSICKally yours,
muSICK

passion

2010-06-21T11:04:00.000-07:00

PASSION

“What is passion? How am I to know what my passion is? Why should I know my passion? Should I respect my passion?”

These are just some of the most difficult questions I’ve faced. These questions have invaded and ruled my mind. I’d an answer but it cried for help drowning in the thoughts of money making. I, though late, had helped the answer to life. And thus I’m muSICK.

I was planning to post something that I felt would change a flawed system. Had lots of thoughts pouring in until I sat in front of a paper holding a pen. I was stuck. I just could go a distance of 3 paragraphs and then found many ways to divert and knocked at Mr. Intorpidire’s . I knew he would help me if he’s alive.

He had his say. Write about something like this, ‘the call of the heart being unanswered’. In the sense, Mr. muSICK is muSICK and he’s planning to pursue higher in Engineering.

Mr. Intorpiodire is really against capitalism, industrialization, globalization, imperialism, neo-colonialism, post world war economy, Zionism, fascism, Nazism and… in short, the present social wounds. And now he’s working for a capitalist MNC. (Guess what? I too am against all these. Intorpidireji, kshamapan)

Mr. Neo, from the bottom of his heart wishes to be the most read author in India…. no the world and he’s ended up working for another IT firm.

Miss. RT so badly wanted to be a pilot and she’s now an Engineer. Reason, she’s a girl.

Who are we to blame? We blame fate, our environment, our parents, teachers, the society and never ourselves for being in a place we ought not to be.

A certain percentage of the whole blame, I believe has to come to our logical brain.

Come back. What is passion? Even if the whole humanity tries to define it, it remains incomplete. It’s something more than words. Man has always explained it in actions.

I’m just trying to give some hints to this question. This is the essence of this post, and I’m afraid I’m not perfect at speaking about this magic.

1. It’s something I would be proud to list among my achievements.

2. It’s something I would always try doing to find what we truly call happiness.

3. It’s something I always wish to do to find pleasure in.

4. ………….

5. ……….

Passion is what our souls call for. You never sacrifice love for money if you have found passion.

Ask anyone about their passion. I bet, a major percentage will not answer it immediately. Why? The sad reason is that none has even thought of it. I call them the Money-blinded. This generation (today’s youth) is mostly of this type.

Let’s see how.

Industrialization is good, Right? Seeing all these glamour it has brought, who can blame it to be bad?

Industrialization is the tongue of capitalism that taught men a lie. The lie is that ‘we’re to make money, more money and much more money’.

Here’s the trouble. Money-blinded society cannot be convinced about passion. Glamour seduced society would not understand the true spirit of mankind. We the industrialists are working hard on newer methods to cheaply exploit anything we see. We’ve exploited everything out of the bosom of Mother Nature for money. How sad. We’re in fact selling her out for money!

We claim that the productivity of the world is at its peak and all those stuffs. Are we not ourselves ridiculing? We are criminals. We’ve committed a major crime. We’ve prevented the world from realizing its true productivity. Productivity not in terms of money we made. But, in terms of love we cultivated, pleasure we had. Is it not the true productivity?

Money cannot find love, but passion does. I recall my favorite quote of my favorite author Kahlil Gibran. “Work is love made visible.” Are we making our love visible through what is called Money making?

A guy doing a job which has his passion as an ingredient can never be imagined saying things like this, “Oh, No! I got work today too”. But this is what we hear so much. Such people are tired and fed up with their job. Do you not se the reluctance in such questions?

This is how the cliché is. To work means to finish off all of our God-blessed energy.

Ask anyone who has found their passion as their way of making a living, to say things plainly. They never are fed up of what they do. They are always creative. Creativity is a gift for those who find their passion.

Love to the Nature and not exploitation can help her love us. And Passion can only save the world and its inhabitants. AWAKE, MONEY TAKES US TO HELL.

-----I would like to discuss so much on this topic. So please feel free to comment-----

muSICKally yours,

muSICK

2010-05-05T10:38:00.000-07:00

I’ll miss you..

This is something more than an exaggeration. This is not a post to show my blog is not deserted. This is indeed a deserted blog depicting a deserted, barren mind. Oh! my oasis, love, I’m craving for you.
Ever since I’ve started enjoying the aesthetic sense of God, this specific tree that I’m going to talk about , has charmed me. As very unusual, this tree had not so many branches, not even leaves. She stood one of a kind among other classic trees an plants. In a sense she never provided shade to any traveler.
I even now am confused about what it actually symbolized.
She hadn’t any leaves - poverty?
She never seemed providing shade to anyone – misery? arrogance?
But her presence among others meant loneliness. It also meant her specialty.
The photographer in me, in these four years have always wished to capture the blue sky and the greenery on to the film with this beautiful tree and the bliss of her presence. I felt like she really possessed something divine to contain this beauty.
Whenever the bus passes by, I always look at her and I would say, “One day, I’ll get you pictured”.
My laziness and silly excuses to walk back to my hostel made me postpone my plans to get down at the location and get the beautiful snapshot.
This had two effects. I never pictured her and my love for her increased.
I’ve expressed my love towards this tree to many of my friends.
My last days at college always urged me to picture her. But I never did. I’d not added this tree and charm to the folder in my hard disk, which contains all my seductions to nature.
So this time, the last time I visit my college being a student, I was determined to do it.
Sitting in the bus, waiting for the place where she stood to arrive, I started from Adoor to Manakkala metro.
The right location is called Kanan Nagar. As soon as the bus reached this place, against all my expectations, I saw her Lay on the ground naked, dead in the emptiness of human thoughts. She was brutally raped. She raised many questions which went unheard.
She had been cut down by …………
I wasn’t sad, nor were I happy. I hadn’t the feeling of failure. This time, as my friend INTORPIDIRE says, I was numb.
If I’d pictured her on first sight, I would surely have forgotten her then and there. I would just praise the picture and time will erase her out of my memory.
My longing to picture her has made me love her so much, and this incident has made me miss her so much….
The tree was very special…. I miss you…

2010-03-20T07:19:00.001-07:00

REVELUTION, A NEED…

It is science which proves and conquers most of the minds. And it is the mind where questions are manufactured. Science pretends to solve most of our problems. Science says man was born as a byproduct of a great process known as evolution. Evolution goes on, it’s a continuous process and we are just a byproduct; Homo sapien.

I got a correction. Man was born out of rEvolution.

Our biological ancestors [whoever it be] revolted against bad environmental conditions (constitutes a vague 77% to the cause). Many lost their existence. The ones left lived a life called Homo sapiens.

Though many of our ancestors could not stand adverse conditions, they never stopped melting metal to continue the chain of revolution. They had the hope. Rather, they only had hope. The hope drove them and now we are here.

We are born to revolt because it is in our blood. But the question that is manufactured next is “against what?” Our approach has become so mean that we use the word ‘against’ after revolt. We forget that we also are revolting ‘for’ the hope.

Are we supposed to revolt only against bad environment? Are we to keep mum against something wrong that does not come under our kingdoms?

In my humble opinion, revolt starts from ourselves and then on it is our selfless selves that carry the spirit.

We are to revolt against any flawed system, be it our minds, family, community or country or anything that influences social life. Once a system is flawed, it definitely is to change. None can actually prevent it. Yes! It is change that comes. It is evolution that affects.

If there weren’t any revolutions in history, humankind would soon have been history, with none to praise.

Any development, be it mental or material, is not mere development. It is development cooked in a revolutionary cuisine. It is the flag of success over the corpse of some negatives that once controlled the world.

Consider inventions. They are revolutions over our own disabilities.

Consider art. It is revolution over alphabets in spreading ideas. Music could connect souls.

Whatever aspects that pop-up in our minds have somehow got something to do with revolution.

And revolution isn’t about winning; it’s about not losing the hope. Revolutions in history are mostly accomplished in peace. [Wait! Don’t come up with a list having French revolution and the ilk]. Most are unrecorded revolutions in history.

Bloodshed may be chosen as the last of the options for revolutions. If blood is shed, someone will surely be born out of it to compensate it. And it will ultimately lead to…. No… It won’t lead us anywhere.

So people, revolt… for, it’s what we’re born for. It’s how we evolved.

Friends

2010-03-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

Some are your friends,
Some are the friends of your wealth,
Some are the friends of your fame,
Beware, some befriend you for your beauty and glamor.
And wealth, fame nor beauty stays forever.
It's only you who is forever carved in the heart of the time.
And your friends will always be with you.
Forever....

A funny train trip!!

2010-03-01T08:56:00.000-08:00

Let this be funny. I had a really bad train trip last night. It goes this way.

I decided to catch Malabar express. It is scheduled to arrive at 12:03 am. But, from the thought of not disturbing anyone else, I left as early as 10:30 am (the previous day).

I walked along the platform in order to find my girl. I could not. So I thought of getting seated somewhere and read ‘The Prophet’ for the third time. When I walked towards the rest room, I saw a girl sitting with her Mom. Yes she’s the one. I said to myself, though she was short.

I tried listening to what they said. They were anxious about the upcoming journey. It smelled like she was going to be alone. I thought of somehow helping them and getting impressed. I am very poor in this aspect. I did nothing. They boarded another train in the opposite direction of my go and I lost the whole interest in the journey.

Next was the waiting for my train to come. The train arrived 30 minutes late. The train was beautifully crowded and had no space to place my legs. I struggled hard and obtained a small space to stand. It was near the door.

Standing in a heavily crowded train, people quarrel for silly reasons. First I believed that the people are cultureless to do this. Now I understand, it’s not the people but the position they occupy in such a crowd that determines what they speak. It’s just fate that they happened to be there. Even if it were me, I would have spoken the very same.

I couldn’t stand it long. How can a person stand on one leg for 7 hours, also in the night? So I got in to the sleeper class compartment and started my search for a berth. Got none. So I sat on a berth where a man was already sleeping, at his mercy.

When the TTR came for checking the ticket, I just told him about the crowd in the general compartment. So I stood there at the door. Then a man came and told me, some of his friends had got down at some stations and they all had their tickets up to a station yet to come. He told me it’ll be okay to use one of their tickets.

I accepted the favor. I thanked him. But the rest of my journey was just meant for escaping from a gay. This man had started acting weirdly. He had his hand on my knees. I covered my sensitive area with the carry case of my laptop. I escaped this once by saying that I wanted to wash my face. I went denied of my sleep just to prevent anything and everything I feared.

So I was sleepless that night. When I reached my station I got down and walked to the bus station. I saw a bus there with a destination board saying “Trivandrum FP”. I boarded the bus. I took a very comfortable seat. Many buses passed by. I wasn’t bothered since I had a seat. When the driver came in, he asked me of my destination and replayed mercilessly that, the bus was meant to take another route. So I got down and just saw another bus approaching. The other bus left.

When the door was open I saw some seats and just thought of getting in when I’d a rethought and I ran to the station master. I said to him “Sir, I lost my luggage!” He said, “Oh! You went careless about your luggage, listening to music” I had no words. I just have lost a luggage containing many of my valuables. He asked me the details of the bus and excavated a phone number. I offered my phone. He made two calls. But none picked. So he gave me the phone back. When taking the phone back, I adjusted the strap on my shoulder, which was about to fall. I looked at it, and then had surprisingly recognized the lost luggage hung on my shoulder!!!

Escape!! I had to escape. I needed excuses. How can I say that, “Oops, I’m so sorry about this Sir, last night’s sleeplessness has caused this”? That will really be bad. So I just said, “Sir, It’s alright, the luggage has only some clothes and eatables. I’ll try coming in the evening to collect the luggage. It’s a cover with ’LuLu center’ printed on it. And I as though feeling so down for the loss got out of the station master’s office.

I then with a guilt feeling boarded the bus for adoor.

Yaawwnnn!!! Sleepy+ headache.!!!

muSICKal v.2

Moonlit evening

2010-03-01T04:28:00.000-08:00

This picture is a combined work of Abhilash (Chulli) and I. He drew everything on the board except the moon. The picture was awesome. So I photographed it, orienting the flash to the place of moon. And the photograph in-effect looked this way. Lovers enjoying the moon, sitting under the tree. Imagine them to be sitting on a river bank. How romantic will it be?

-muSICK

Relationships

2010-02-25T21:33:00.000-08:00

From here onwards, I would like to take my coat of desperation off me and do something inspirational. I’m just experimenting this. I was told by my friend, a very good friend that I must do something motivational to the world.

But how can I forget the moon, which also rises and sets, when sun is only praised for its setting beauty? None actually looks at the moon. Everyone praises the sun. So I promise to keep my heart open for the moon. I’ll speak for the moon. I’ll speak for those ignored. I’ll speak for those who suffer.

Yes, Inspirational and motivational. I’ve to inspire you, which I don’t think I can be successful in. Let my ideas which can never be different from any good people on earth, inspire everyone of us including me. Let this start with relationships, because without one, we cannot survive.
To start a relationship you must talk. To maintain one, you must talk. And to end one, you must talk. Remember, not to let silence talk.

Prejudice is the one who determines the depth of a relationship. Don’t let that happen. Let us decide the depth of our relationships. Prejudice, good or bad is always bad.
Show your heart open before the relationship is made, so that she/he doesn’t need to ask for it.
Unconditional love: It’ll be amazing and addictive if we practice this. This is that kind of love in which none expects anything. Just the love (the Divine River which flows from soul to soul and reaches God) flows itself. What we need to do is to ease the flow by removing the obstacles. And then let love alone speak.

[A special kind of relationship that I always would like to discuss and still I’m left with doubt is the kind of love appearing as a question. I still am confused with this love and infatuation. I still do not know if it is conditional or unconditional. I still do not understand. May be, one day I will, and then think of sharing it with you all]

If we know about starting and maintaining relationships, we will soon learn about other aspects of life. And we will surely be the most successful persons. But we should remember not to turn the page, in which comes the chapter of breaking relationships. If we see it, we will read it. If we happen to read it, we will intuitively accept it. And we will embrace it. Rather, it will embrace us and we will have only one thing in our vast heart, sand dunes of selfish and egoistic feelings. It will be desert where, we can only hope for an oasis.

So I would like you to keep a good relationship with the world, which includes them, you and I, whom we will call as ‘we’.

Relationships will only help us build relationship with our inner self. Good relationship is life.
Go out, enjoy the beauty of Nature. She will be the best relationship you can ever make. And then live a life, which is alive.

muSICKal v.2

I'm mad...

2010-02-24T18:27:00.002-08:00

Yes, this post is also out of desperation. I confess it forehand.

I’m a piano string, waiting for the right musician to gently strike the key, so that I can sing the happiest song ever. Whenever I feel like, I’ve met the right musician to strike the key, I go wrong.

Hmmm…. This is a bit symbolic. Let me be straight. I am so much infatuated with this girl that I’m feeling to write something. “Tonight, I can write the saddest lines – Pablo Neruda” Listening to the pain filled piano music, don’t expect me to write something funny.

I know this is just an infatuation. I know this will not lead me anywhere. Still I’m feeling something for her. I cannot get rid of it. I’ve tried, prayed and done everything possible in this respect. Still I can’t.

I feel like speaking to her. I’ve not done it. I’ve looked at her and tried locking our eyes as I’ve read it in some love tips that, it will help to… you know what I mean…

I don’t actually know if she’s read my eyes, or is it written in my eyes that I’m attracted by someone’s charm? She always tries to go away when we are to come closer. Do my eyes ask “hey lady, wait, y did you cause me an infatuation?” Why else does this happen? She escapes my looks as if I’m going to digest her with my eyes. I’m troubled.

I know that I cannot make a love story with this girl in the lead role. I know that she can never be my dream girl. Reasons are many. [I’m not discussing it here]. Then why am I doing this? The question is pretty logical and it comes to my mind frequently. But nowadays such questions are buffered and never allowed to process.

This girl is not so beautiful, but not too bad. She is just having the right key to drive me a bit mad. But I won’t do that. I hold fast to my principles.

Why is my mind so strange in this field? It always has so much love to give it to someone.

Whatever it is, I’ve enjoyed this so called love once in my life. It was in the air for a month. Then back to normal. “Hello brother, how are you?” Why cheat me? I think, it is since then that I started producing more love in my heart.

And now I’m confused. I don’t know what is confusing me.

NB:- this post was done on the day before yesterday. Yesterday was a good day and I talked to my best friend about this and then js overcame my hard feelings...

I'm a 'hard-luck' engineer... Am I?

2010-02-15T02:40:00.000-08:00

[this post was actually made for www.freshershome.com forum]

I'm an ECE student from kerala. Our college is affiliated to CUSAT. We'd Infosys placement drive here. But I could not appear for the drive as I've got 5 active backlogs.

Wait, Don't blame me alone... I'd had enough. It's not my mistake alone. I study some days before the exam. all study as though they wanna be all-pass. I study as if I'm gonna be a great engineer who will need all these stuff in my work, and so I try understanding them. But when the result is out, I lose the game. I dunno other ways of learning, or may be my consciousness is not bothered to learn it for exams alone.

However, I admit that I've made mistake in choosing the time of learning. I must have studied before itself.

the second thing I doubt with proof is that the paper correction at CUSAT is based on the number of pages used. My next confession is I've never used an additional sheet in my entire engineering life, because I never needed them to express what they actually demanded through the question paper. I know lot more than people scoring more marks than me, I'm confident.
My essays won't be too long, but they'll have everything that is needed to come to the answer. After all I'm not studying for BA English literature. I'm studying Engineering. Still fate is different.

I remember times when I would call home saying so much confidently to my Mom that I'm going to be all-pass. But 5 semester exams, revaluation results and supplementary exam results have taught me, what it really means by engineering.

Ah.. quality of engineering.... I'm concerned.

A teacher never does the duty of teacher but dictator. Teachers do not possess the ability to imprint the contained idea in to the hungry minds. How can the quality of engineering be better?

I know people who are extremely intelligent who got stuck due to this flawed system. They've got better IQ and aptitude than anyone else around. Still fate is this weird.

I write this post, just because someone has to do this.

Can we people get a job? Is there any company which accepts these people? Is there any company which believes in the truth that success comes hand in hand with risks?

THINK!!!!

Placement drive and I.

2010-02-10T08:38:00.000-08:00

Heard it one day from our placement officer.

I said to myself, "yes, I can go home". Running away from the war-front was the first thing that came to my mind. But, I was given a responsibility. I tried hard to get rid of it. I had umpteen excuses.

Had to meet my girl friend (fictitious). Had sinusitis. Had asthma. Had listed out all inconveniences.
I was told to make up my mind. Could not.

But, when responsibility knocks, it comes with risk. Accept it as it's going to be good. read it somewhere in a philosophy book. I accepted it.

"Labeeb, you've got an opportunity. Do it. prove yourself." "yes, yes I'll do it. relax."
[I to myself].

I solved it this way. I split my personality in to 5 different angles of thought.

The willing me said, "Do it, whatever!!!".
The desperate me told, "you don't get any placement. You don't get anything good. you suck".
The hopeful me told, "These people get placed, and so the probability of me getting a job increases". Wait, wait, I can explain it. These people getting a job, won't come to compete with me when I'm in search of a job. Kewl, right?
Yes, Of course, the selfish giant in me commented, "You are an ..........., you don't understand. Why should you go for something, out of which you get absolutely nothing? Then why? Others get a job. What do you get?"
I confess, this me is that, which has dominated almost always in my life.
The social servant in me spoke at last. In a feeble voice, suffering from bad cold,and cough. Do it for others. You get God's blessings. They will silently pray for you. Other MEs suppressed this ME in me. He was still silent.

My consciousness tried its best in enlivening this ME. And to be frank, friendship and love has won over every MEs. Yes, he's back.

I was one of the happiest persons last day. When the drive was over, appreciation fell all over us. even our own college-mates appreciated (the rarest thing to happen in the college).

All are almost happy. Praises make us happy. And once again, the college, my alma mater, runs back to its original track. forgetting all these, and waiting for some miracles to happen.

muSICK

THE TWO WORDS

2010-02-06T06:58:00.000-08:00

That feeling which always confuses me...

That feeling....

I always find it hard to name it.

I always get stuck between two words.

The words are obviously “love and infatuation”.

They say, infatuation isn’t serious enough to be love.

I anyway googled it to become more confused.

I confess I was never in love, rather I was infatuated.

The nearness of the one, who infatuated me,

Made my heart to compose new music.

Changed the tempo of my heartbeat.

Sometimes the tones went out of the octave.

Still I was never in love.

And to everyone, I say you can only,

Fall in love, with one and once alone.

When? May not we know.

I wish I could be in love with the one.

And then learn to differentiate between the words.

That confuses everyone who possess,

An inexhaustible vessel of love,

As I do.

As I do.....

Let's wipe away some of the tears.

2010-02-06T05:06:00.000-08:00

Yes, we must.

Had a sad and disturbing experience, today at our college.

It went this way.
She had been sweeping the first floor. I went to her and when she saw me, she smiled as she usually does.
I smiled back and asked her to pray for me. She assured me she'll. I was happy and was about to leave as I was busy on CGPU duty.

She then somehow spoke more. I never wanted to listen to any sad stories. To be frank, I sometimes weep in my heart, listening to sad stories. And I feared I would.

She said, she'd two children who were totally paralyzed years ago. Her husband too has got some troubles of paralysis. From her talks I could make out that her children were struck with Polio virus.

Her home hasn't got a good toilet. She said, she'd to pull her children to get them to the toilet. Some of our college students had managed to get a wheel-chair for one of the children. The wheel-chair is damaged now. She'd not cooked anything at home on that day.

She sometimes wept saying these. I had only some words to console. I said. "ellam sariyakum". what else could I do?

She never forgot to mention some of the names who helped her with words, tears and money. Names who paid a visit to her (almost) home.

I found truth and power in her words. She was wonderfully optimistic. Though she suffered so much she always kept the best thing on her face, "smile".

I've never seen her complaining to anyone about her fate.

God, has given us so much that we waste it somehow. Our campus is so alive. We see many fights. All meant to show our dominance. All meant for nothing at last. Some say It is how a campus has to be. Is it?

Is destruction and hatred that is to be spread among the people who have the potential to change the world?
This is the age when you at least can expect the best to happen in this world. As you grow up, constrains crowd around you. And then you cannot even imagine a change.

So no fights and other craps in campus... Let's all be creative and constructive. why fight?
[though, the campus burns not alone due to clashes, I hate them the most and so I mention it.]

Let's help this woman and other people who are suffering.
She's a woman, looking after her bedridden husband and children. Still she's hopeful. So why be we hopeless?

Let's bring about a change.... Yes, we must.

I've found some people to whom I spoke about this and all of them responded very much positively.

I welcome any opinion about fund raising for this cause.

mail me at : labeebg2@gmail.com
speak to me: 09567613061

Everyone who reads this, please, please think on it.

For more detail, just write to me. You are not alone on this path. Let's go together.

LABEEB IBRAHIM.

2010-01-25T20:47:00.000-08:00

Note of gratitude.

Addressed to pain and loneliness somewhere in my brain.

It is very different and difficult to redirect the river of pain in one’s mind to the tip of the pen and water the barren paper. It sometimes costs seeds of tears. I’m just trying to do the same.

Pain and loneliness if go together, my mind responds with bubbles of decisions. I actually think of an ice-berg decision that hardly finds time to melt. But bubbles are the ones who surface. And these bubbles sing lullaby and might have disappeared in the next morning. Clear and calm, ready for another game.

Loneliness is when others eat the fruit that you too deserve. Loneliness is when you choose the other way when others choose the way.

Pain may be of many reasons. Pain of losing love is the worst(best) among these. Some pains nurture loneliness in the mental incubator.

I just had such an experience. I expected, prayed and prayed that I too could get a share of the fruit. Vain!!

Pain in the mind is like thorns with motors attached to its back. They themselves harm. When loneliness comes in, it’s like a periodic hammering system that hammers down the pain. It aches a lot. We search for shoulders to support. The search never ends.

[Sub note: - Above paragraph had been written in an engineer’s perspective, let me at least do this.]

Writing at this moment is one of the best things one can really do. Even the pen seems to spill more ink as tears.

This is very much exactly the time domains in which I feel like, I must have a spouse. I want to immerse my face n her fragrant lap and weep loud, like a baby. I want her to kiss me long to ooze out my pain and caress my head and sing me, “everything is gonna be alright”.

Sometimes you may feel like asking me, if I don’t get my parents’ love. Yes I do get it. But for me, the concept goes this way. If you need to completely get out of this mental trauma, you need a loving spouse. You always need her kisses. They’ve to intoxicate you.

I want to forget the pain. Why should I not be allowed to taste the fruit?

This kind of situation is intoxicating. We may sometimes feel the best of being in such a situation and then the inertial forces may anchor us therein, always pain-struck. “Do bother to come out of the world of pain and loneliness”, onlookers (friends in history) might say. It is because they do not know the ecstatic aroma they offer in the heaven of pain. They do not know the music of loneliness the maestro.

Loneliness goes away when others start sharing the fruit with me. Till then, oh! Loneliness you are my beloved. Pain goes away soon. It just visits me often and disappears in history.

But they always gave me company when others enjoyed the fruit. My grateful self is obliged. They always help me go for a decision. They trigger my passion factor. They always compose the best of music in my heart, sets its rhythm. They always ask me to do something to outdo everything so that I can be second to none once again.

Without them, I can’t even imagine myself listening to songs like, “Thanhayee.....” and “Loneliness.....(westlife)”

So I’m so much thankful.

With gratitude

Labeeb Ibrahim.

muSICK

2010-01-24T09:13:00.000-08:00

THE STORY OF MY MIDDLE FINGER

This was written long before. I feared publishing this.

DISCLAIMER: Any characters in this story if found resembling with any one of my readers, it's not deliberate. purely coincidental. And the story demands it. The whole thing has to be taken in an (south) Indian frame of reference.

This is not muSICKal, but it has got to do something with ma muSICKal life. u may wonder what has it got to do with it?
This ain’t silly at least for me.....................
It was a Sunday. As usual it wasn’t morning. It was evening.......Na ..................... I must tell something before it.
You know what? The middle finger is the icon of a culture... it is like one f the best ways in which you can express your disagreement. It’s indeed one f the many. It’s one of a kind.... but what the heck? That doesn’t matter. I dunno other best ways of showing disagreement. Even if you say that u can teach me some, I can just show you my middle finger and say you “f!@# off”. How else do you think I can use loads of phrases using the most gifted word in English, the F-word? It’s indeed a ‘u know who’ word.
So mid finger is the sign of man in us. It’s the right answer for sarcasm. Then why majority, the multitude dislikes it? Again my mid finger rises. Don’t even dream of a doubt, it’s voluntary.
We’ve always played the role of reformers in our SOCIETY. We thought to reform the purpose of mid finger show. Better say me myself without even having a meeting or discussion with other members of the reformers’ union, just made a reformation. The story (sad) follows:
I made the same mid finger show as a means of greeting my buddies. Gradually it turned out to be the only way of greeting. Slowly I was ‘famous’ for the reform. Lots f my friends grew jealous. They’d conspiracies against me in store. I strived all those. And I won. I was once again f!@#in happy. Instead of showing a single mid finger I even used two f my hands simultaneously. Won’t it be tiresome? Still then I did it. Won’t u feel proud if it were u? Absof!@#inglutely you’ll. Same way I too felt it. I self patted on my back. I felt like I cud do something more. So much more than this.
During the early days of the great reform, I felt for the opposite sex. What will they feel? They are the social co-workers. There must be harmony. It ran through my mind. It disturbed me so much.
The encouraging half of my cerebral hemisphere had the answer. I decided to do it. But then came the time for creating the right situation for the drama. Yep man drama. I waited n waited n waited. But then came the hero, here our hero does the role of a bugger; oops I don’t mean what the word means. I mean he bugs me a lot. So he was sitting with the great feminist of the era. Miss Always. My friend said she’s a womenist. Whatever! . God save men. Hero bugged me once. I’m patient. So I at once turned at him and was about to refer to his great grandfather. Then I saw our Miss Always with him n I went mum. SPARK!!! Shit always doesn’t happen. He bugged me again. I was no more patient. I turned rather fast. Threw away the pen in my hand and then ............ and then showed the great celebrated mid finger. He was uluppless(new word not yet included in the dictionary of mean words). He smiled at me. the smile made me believe that I was not alone on the path of reform...
I wish u too had watched the chammal(new word not even included in Malayalam dictionary) on the face of our Miss Always. She turned away with a very accepting smile on her ‘tree-face’ (maramontha).
I n hero felt like having accomplished something. Na ... a very great thing... a milestone accomplished.

That’s all about history. Now the true story begins. Believe me the great celebrated comedian Supandi D boss lives in the Avaran’s where I too have got the enviable opportunity to live. The Avaran’s is believed to be the centre of all reforms. One day when Suppu (that’s how we call him with love) came in, I as unusual showed up both ma mid fingers. He smiled and showed the same back. I thought it was over then he came near me. I’d not stopped the act of showing the greeting symbol so as to emphasize welcome. He came nearer I was least bothered. He came closer. I was happy. I dreamed of a FRIENDLY hug. But what happened next still remains....... OUCH...... it aches so much.
He twisted my tender finger till crackling noises were heard. He’s so merciless and mean.
There the truth also ends. I’ve not practiced this weird method of greeting since then. I learned lots of lessons as I usually do.
Now it is vacation and I fought for letting me learn music. I went for music keyboard practice. The first week I had to do so much of finger exercises. I started doing as my instructor told me. Then I experienced the pain. It was torturing me. Instructor asked me “what happened?”. I humbly answered “Sir, I can’t fold my finger so much...... ‘cuz......... both ma (mid) fingers have injured while I played volley ball”. He told me to consult a doctor. He believed n still believes that I’m a skilled volley ball player. And first lie based on ma mid finger was born.

Lie is shit... I have to say it.

2009-10-25T08:16:00.000-07:00

If alone...

If alone women and pain lived here,
Tears would flow as the sea,

If alone men and swords lived here,
Blood would flow as oceans.

Both men and women live here,
Still alone, and the sea is unclear,
And I smell pain,
I taste salty blood,
I hear fear,
I breath.... No I can't....
I'm living dead....

Thoughts

2009-09-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

Think..... till a limit.
Better not go beyond the limit.
Because, I assure you, you'll embrace fear.
fear will over-ride your thoughts.
You'll never think again.

sane I'm

2009-09-27T10:59:00.001-07:00

Insanity is, what a person obtains,
Rather gains after struggling with sanity for a lifetime.

Nothing Good

2009-09-27T10:52:00.000-07:00

I want to be a bullet,

Pierce into your mind,

And get washed in your toughts.

I want to be an arrow,

Run in to your heart,

And wash myself in your blood.

I want to be the poison,

Kill your hatered,

And let you rest in love forever.

And I want to be nothing good for you,

Nothing that enchants you,

‘cause you are the only good, the only enchanted.

2009-08-27T03:19:00.000-07:00

I'M A MAN

They asked me to draw,
I said, I knew not to draw,
They compelled me...
They asked me to make it colourful.

I tried harder and,
Harder, day and night.
They asked if I'd finished,
I hardly had then started.

The glow of the blasts,
Had driven me blind.
I'd not known any color,
Than the color of blood.

Then how do they think,
I could draw? I exclaimed.
I sat for long in front,
Of the canvas, thinking,
thinking and thinking.

Very soon, from my back,
I felt the air moving,
Then came something,
Piercing my body.
I could see my blood,
Splashing out of me.

The wine out of life's cup,
spread on the canvas,
Like the way the droplets wished,
Then I fell, over it,
The drops spread all over it.

They took me away,
Very far from where I sat.
I could see from far;
The art of blood,
I …. No, they'd made.

And I knew I could not,
Neither would I,
'Cause something still,
Lived in me,
I'm a man,
Still a man.....

2009-08-20T17:41:00.000-07:00

LOVE

Have you expressed love?

Yes....

Have you experienced love?

Yes.... no.... yes...

You experience love only when,

you don't get back the love you deserve...

you experience love when the one you love,

walks, talks,plays........ with someone else in front of your eyes.

To be in love is that feeling that arises when we miss the love....

So what is love?

Still a mystery. No man on earth can explain it completely.

So is love; strange....

2009-08-07T17:14:00.000-07:00

i can't post anything today. i made a mistake. deleted everything i typed in.

2009-08-06T17:50:00.000-07:00

NOTHING GOOD

I want to be a bullet,

Pierce into your mind,

And get washed in your blood.

I want to be an arrow,

Run into your heart,

And wash myself in your blood.

I want to be the poison,

Kill your hatred,

And let you rest love for ever.

And I want to be nothing good for you,

Nothing that enchants you,

'Cause you are the only good, the only enchanted....

2009-08-06T17:36:00.000-07:00

my blog always won't be muSICKal, even then the word i use mostly might be music.
hope the name isn't deceiving

Labee...

2009-08-03T10:42:00.000-07:00

THE TWO SCENES

Scene1

When I was alone,
I believed in love,
Then I was no lonelier,
I'd your love.

Scene2

When you loved not me,
I believed in loneliness,
Still I was not lonely,
I'd the loneliness,
You left for me,
With me.....

2009-08-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

i........... i'm not a poet....
neither a philosopher....

i js humbly start doin' this.... bloggin'.

i've got inspired from many writers....

2009-05-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

wait for my first blog. it took some months to decide wat to paste here. it took abt an hour to write one.... got to edit... so plz...